"Do you ever feel empty?"

Yesterday, someone asked me why I believe in God. They told me,
"I'm just not sure if I believe in it anymore." 

After a few moments, they asked, "Do you ever feel empty? Like there's something missing?"

My mind automatically flashed back to the years before I met Christ. I remembered that feeling of hollowness inside, eating away at my life. I was so angry, depressed, lost. The emptiness weighed so heavy on my heart. For so long, I felt as though I'd been tossed out into the middle of the ocean with weights strapped around my ankles.

Somedays, I would look up at the sunny surface, longing for the light to reach me. I longed to feel it dance across my skin. I would try to swim upwards toward the surface, dreaming of the day I'd break through it. Other daysI only felt like I was swimming through nothing.. Despite the energy I cast into it, it felt as though I was going no where but down. It's like I was screaming for help, but no sound came out of my mouth. I would simply look down and see where I was headed. Complete darkness.

When I was in that place, I didn't witness the waves kissing the shore. I didn't hear them crash against one another. I didn't see the blue which stretched beyond the horizon. I never knew the ocean acted as a mirror, reflecting the vivid colors of the sunset.

 I saw none of this. All I saw were sharks lingering around with lifeless, black eyes. Waiting for the day I lost hope, so they could eat away the shell I'd become. I saw wrecked ships with no treasure hidden inside. The only light I came close to was a light of a Lantern Fish (Like the really freaky one in Finding Nemo that tries to eat them.) It's light was so fleeting, and what it revealed terrified me. Yet, I sought after it, believing it was the only light I would ever come close to.

At this time, I would have never called the ocean beautiful. I never considered it peaceful. I knew so well what it felt like to be empty. I would look at someone and see an unmistakable light in their eyes. I would go home, glace at the mirror, searching for that same light hidden somewhere between the specks of brown and green in my own eyes. For so long, I could never find it. For reasons I never knew, I kept searching.

One day, as I was about to lay my head down onto the ocean floor, someone- a Savior, came down from the surface. Cutting off the chains that held me down for so long, He guided me, allowing me to finally break through this glassy surface I starred at for so long.

I exhaled the darkness and emptiness, watching them sink down, farther and farther, until they could no longer be seen. I inhaled the light which reflected so gracefully off the blue waves. It filled my lungs, flooding my heart.

For the first time, I saw the sunset paint the sea with vivid hues of hope. The waves crashed peacefully, opening my eyes to the beauty which hid just beyond the surface all along. When I look in the mirror, I finally find the light overtaking the specs of darkness that once made them so dim. This light is not my own. It's not an example of anything I've done, it's not something my hand's could ever have the capability to generate. It represents the death of me. It tells a story of the One who broke through the surface, coming away from the beauty and light to save me. It shows the life given to me by the grace and love of the One who sacrificed.

I knew so well what it felt like to be empty. But I know even more what it feels like to be saved from that emptiness. Now that I'm here, I'd never want to go back to who I was. I hated that Me. I hated that place. My hope was so fleeting, here one day and gone the next. I never knew if someone would love me tomorrow. But after I met Christ, I knew there would always to someone that loves me, despite the times I turn my back to Him. My hope doesn't disappear, but stands firm at the feet of the Cross. I already know my life will have a happy ending. That happy ending is found in Christ. I'm reminded of that every time I pick up my Bible, every time I see a small miracle that means so much.



k yeah I'm done this took me forever and my eyes are crossing