The Beginning.

Ever since sixth grade, I've wanted to write a book. I would begin writing about some love story between a guy and a girl, yet for some reason, I'd never finish. Over the years, I tried writing something new, something different, but never got beyond the first few pages. Thoughts began to develop in my mind saying, you simply can't do this. You're not good enough. 

I believed them. I stopped attempting to write books and instead began writing poetry and blogging. Soon enough, despite any good things said by my friends, I thought anything I wrote would never be worthy of reading.

In general, I've always wanted to make a difference. This desire was like a fire burning in my core, constantly poking and prodding at me from the very depths of my mind. However, everywhere I turned, I was let down; cornered by a dead end. I'd think to myself, you're only sixteen. You're not like those people in your favorite books, with some sort of super power or special training. What could you possibly do? 

In simply beginning this book, I have doubt seeping into my mind. I have a 2.29 accumulative GPA. I'm not as old as those other authors. Heck, I'm 16 years old. I don't have extensive vocabulary, nor do I know anything about writing a book.

Today, I'm going to write despite those doubts. I am not writing to be noticed, to be accepted, or in order to be known. I have no desire to be known. However, with every part of me, want Jesus Christ to be known. I'm writing so that just maybe, though these words, others will learn about my Savior. That these words will been seen by more than the few people who read my blog, and maybe, just maybe, make a difference in one persons life.

My mother once told me the Lord has given me a gift, just as He has to each of us. She said I can use this gift to glorify Him, to spread His light in a world that has been left in darkness. My hope in writing this book is that they will not be my words, but the Lord's. My hope is that whoever reads it, will see that there is more to this world than pain, more to us than just this life, more to us than what we have done in the past; that there is not a single person too far gone to be saved.

That despite what we may feel, we are always loved, and never left to fight this war all alone.
We are never too much, and always enough.

"But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord,

I wait for God my Savior;

my God will hear me.

Do not gloat over me, my enemy!

Though I have fallen, I will rise.

Though I sit in darkness,

the Lord will be my light.

Because I have sinned against Him,

I will bear the Lord's wrath,

until He pleads my case

and upholds my cause.

He will bring me out into the light;

I will see his righteousness."        

-Micah 7:7-9

Loving Jesus.

A couple weeks ago, I was with a friend, and we were talking about a new friend she made. I asked, "Do they love Jesus?"

Tonight, I asked myself what the meant. What does it mean to love Jesus?

To me, this is loving Jesus. It's listening to worship music more than any other kind, getting frustrated because you can never find the words to describe how His love makes you feel. It's speaking to Him as though He was physically right beside you... not because you want something, but simply because you want to talk to Him, or because you want to thank Him for what He's done, what He's doing, and all He's yet to do.   

 It's wanting to glorify Christ in everything you do, whether it's going on a mission trip or drinking a cup of coffee. It's loving the little things He does in your life and wanting to proclaim what joy He's given you to anyone who will listen. It's searching for His hand in everything throughout your day, whether it's in the kind smile of a stranger, the beautiful way Christmas lights glow upon the surface of snow or in the warm embrace of a friend. It's simply wanting to be in His presence. It's being thankful for the pain you've felt, for it's an opportunity to grow closer to Him and be taught by our Savior. It's being that person people think is crazy when you say "I can't wait to die" because that's when you finally get to see our Father face to face. It's being broken hearted by the sight of others who don't yet know Him, and having a desire to be a light in their life.

It's simply laughing under your breath, left in awe by how amazing you find His love to be. It's being so overwhelmed by His love that all you can bring yourself to say is "Thank You." Over and over again. It's to simply find yourself lost in His mystery, and wanting to stay there.

There are so many things I want to say about Jesus and loving Him, but like I said earlier, I can't find all the words. It'd be easier for me to contain the oceans in a coffee cup than I could explain, let alone comprehend, the wonderful, unconditional love of Jesus Christ. There are so many ways to explain how we can live for Him, just as there are an unending amount of ways He loves us. There are ways that I don't yet know, but I hope I allow Him to teach me them.

"Do you ever feel empty?"

Yesterday, someone asked me why I believe in God. They told me,
"I'm just not sure if I believe in it anymore." 

After a few moments, they asked, "Do you ever feel empty? Like there's something missing?"

My mind automatically flashed back to the years before I met Christ. I remembered that feeling of hollowness inside, eating away at my life. I was so angry, depressed, lost. The emptiness weighed so heavy on my heart. For so long, I felt as though I'd been tossed out into the middle of the ocean with weights strapped around my ankles.

Somedays, I would look up at the sunny surface, longing for the light to reach me. I longed to feel it dance across my skin. I would try to swim upwards toward the surface, dreaming of the day I'd break through it. Other daysI only felt like I was swimming through nothing.. Despite the energy I cast into it, it felt as though I was going no where but down. It's like I was screaming for help, but no sound came out of my mouth. I would simply look down and see where I was headed. Complete darkness.

When I was in that place, I didn't witness the waves kissing the shore. I didn't hear them crash against one another. I didn't see the blue which stretched beyond the horizon. I never knew the ocean acted as a mirror, reflecting the vivid colors of the sunset.

 I saw none of this. All I saw were sharks lingering around with lifeless, black eyes. Waiting for the day I lost hope, so they could eat away the shell I'd become. I saw wrecked ships with no treasure hidden inside. The only light I came close to was a light of a Lantern Fish (Like the really freaky one in Finding Nemo that tries to eat them.) It's light was so fleeting, and what it revealed terrified me. Yet, I sought after it, believing it was the only light I would ever come close to.

At this time, I would have never called the ocean beautiful. I never considered it peaceful. I knew so well what it felt like to be empty. I would look at someone and see an unmistakable light in their eyes. I would go home, glace at the mirror, searching for that same light hidden somewhere between the specks of brown and green in my own eyes. For so long, I could never find it. For reasons I never knew, I kept searching.

One day, as I was about to lay my head down onto the ocean floor, someone- a Savior, came down from the surface. Cutting off the chains that held me down for so long, He guided me, allowing me to finally break through this glassy surface I starred at for so long.

I exhaled the darkness and emptiness, watching them sink down, farther and farther, until they could no longer be seen. I inhaled the light which reflected so gracefully off the blue waves. It filled my lungs, flooding my heart.

For the first time, I saw the sunset paint the sea with vivid hues of hope. The waves crashed peacefully, opening my eyes to the beauty which hid just beyond the surface all along. When I look in the mirror, I finally find the light overtaking the specs of darkness that once made them so dim. This light is not my own. It's not an example of anything I've done, it's not something my hand's could ever have the capability to generate. It represents the death of me. It tells a story of the One who broke through the surface, coming away from the beauty and light to save me. It shows the life given to me by the grace and love of the One who sacrificed.

I knew so well what it felt like to be empty. But I know even more what it feels like to be saved from that emptiness. Now that I'm here, I'd never want to go back to who I was. I hated that Me. I hated that place. My hope was so fleeting, here one day and gone the next. I never knew if someone would love me tomorrow. But after I met Christ, I knew there would always to someone that loves me, despite the times I turn my back to Him. My hope doesn't disappear, but stands firm at the feet of the Cross. I already know my life will have a happy ending. That happy ending is found in Christ. I'm reminded of that every time I pick up my Bible, every time I see a small miracle that means so much.



k yeah I'm done this took me forever and my eyes are crossing

You have a choice.

We have a choice. We have many. Some of us feel as though numerous of those choices are being taken away, slipping through the slots between our fingers. But there is one choice that is ours. One that can't be stripped from our grasp, or be decided for us by someone else. It's a choice to be alive, or to go through life having already died.

We have the choice to open our burdened hearts to the One who desires to take away the weight which keeps up enslaved.

You can choose to believe you were made in the image of perfection, stitched together with a purpose expanding beyond your imagination.

You can choose to believe that there is someone out there who loves you more in a moment than anyone could in a lifetime. Someone that, no matter what you do today, will love you even more tomorrow. This someone has been here your whole life, waiting for you to choose to love Him in return; Waiting for you to put down the armor you hold up in fear that one more fall will leave you damaged beyond repair.

You can choose to believe the words that have wounded you. Like a knife, they cut deeper and deeper each time you wonder the shadows of your mind.

You can tell yourself there is no one here to rescue you. That there is no hero to pick you out of the mess of this darkness you've sat inside of for so long. You may be convinced that this is all there is. Convinced you can simply strain to keep your head above the raging waves that hide just under the surface of your smile, threatening to drown you at any moment.. You may look at happiness as merely another thing stripped away, dangling just outside your reach.

You can choose to say, to believe these lies, or you can choose to listen to these words. You can choose to pick out the specs of light that lie just beyond your mind and overcome this darkness. Breathe in the hope of a God who has come to show you another way. You have the choice to believe that there is not only a hero, but that this hero has come, and by Him, you have already been saved.

You can choose to go to Him. To step outside of these walls you built up so long ago, to finally see the indescribable hope, the captivating love, which have both been waiting for you just on the other side of those walls.

You have the choice to embrace all that you are, rather than falling into the lie of "you are only what you've done." You have the choice to ignore the light you with hold.  You are LOVED by a God who cares for you so much that He died to save you from this emptiness you feel inside. He loves you so much that He simply waits for you to turn to Him, allowing you to have the choice.

He will wait for you as long as it may take in order for you to realize all you truly are. He will be there the day you turn your back and face Him. With arms wide open, He will embrace you. He will not see all the bad you've done, or all the bad you think you are, but He will see the good He has made you to be. He will see someone of more value than gold. He will see a prince, a princess. He will see all the extraordinary things you have yet to do. He will look at you and see the amazing future He has set out for you, and you my friend, play an irreplaceable role in that plan.
Irreplaceable.



"...My dream is hope. Hope for a new age of men and women that will love other men and women simply because they exist, because there's a God somewhere out there who sees not that they've done, but who they ARE. They are children, They are forgiven, they are BELOVED, they are His. My dream is this hope, and my hope is this dream."
- "Colours" by The Moderates.

Problem with Pain.

So I'm sitting here moping and letting myself sit in self pity listening to Drops of Jupiter by Train on repeat (only because I'm obsessed with it and it makes me want to dance.)

I'm sitting here thinking about some guy. That's what I'm moping about.

IT'S STUPID.

And it took me almost a stinking year to figure that out. My friend Jen (She's possibly the happiest person to ever exist and I love her for it) told me today,

"Why not be happy?"

And it's true. Why not? Why do we sit around and let the devil use our broken heart or pain as a foothold to drag us down?

Why do we turn to everything we know is never going to help us?

Why do we try to not fill the void, but merely distract ourselves from the pain when we know how to MEND it?

It's like having cancer and having the cure sitting right next to you, but you just stare at it and cry and complain about how you wish you were better. You don't USE what's right in front of you to help you.

God has placed so many things in our life to help us. HE can mend us.

Like right now. I'm kind of using this to vent-ish. While in reality I should be doing any of the following:

- Reading my Bible.
- Reading 'Captivating'.
- Listening to worship music.
- PRAYING.

But no, I was sitting here scrolling through Twitter and complaining to myself about how I wish I was just better.

Again, IT'S STUPID.

Why do we spend so much of our energy focusing on the pain of this world, instead of focusing on the joy in Heaven and the love of the Lord.


And for me, Why am I sitting here thinking of someone that isn't even a part of my life anymore when I KNOW God has picked a man for me that will cherish me, and push me closer to the Lord, and find me captivating. Why don't I think about that instead? Why don't I just think about the Lord and His promises?


I think if we did that, I believe it'd be a lot easier to be happy and joyful.


One last thing, as the magnificent C.S. Lewis puts it,
"Never let your happiness depend on something you may lose."
Get that?
Don't let it depend on money, materialistic things, relationships, popularity.

What is the ONE thing that will NEVER leave nor forsake you?

God.


Let your happiness depend solely on Him.




"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all."
- 2 Corinthians 4:17

Stay Humble.

For me, I have an inner battle to stay humble. It wrestles with my pride, and they clash.

As Christians, heck, even as just people, I think staying humble is something we all struggle with.

For me, when I know I did something good, I'll tell the story to get a Good Job! or a pat on the back. I know it's wrong, but sometimes I just want to hear it. I want to know people are proud of me, and approve of me.

But, my friend sent me a letter today. She's at Work Crew for a month, and she sent me a letter on how it was going. A few things in the letter really hit me, and have stuck with me.

"We all wish to be humble, but what if no one noticed?"

"Being humble is about praising God, and not self glorification."

"My only regret should be that I couldn't give more at the feet of Jesus."

"Doing good is not to hope people see, but to be so enthralled with the Lord that you give Him all, and people just happen to notice."

The last one is my favorite, as is the third.

We want people to see us do good deeds because we want to feel like someone is proud of us. We crave that. We would break our backs to hear someone say "Good job, I'm proud of you!"

But that's not how it should be.

It's should be about us at all. Rather, it should be all about Jesus and His love for us.

Allowing pride to carry your heart will only effect your ability to love some people in the way Jesus does. And that's exactly what we were brought to do, to show people the love of Jesus, and we can't lead the way when we're blinded by our own pride.

To humble yourself is to be more concerned with people learning who God is instead of learning who you are. I struggle with that sometimes.


The other day, a friend of mine texted me saying "I'm going to get Daughter of the King of Kings tatted on my forearm, just thought I'd let you know" I was angry.  Daughter of the King of Kings has much importance to me, and I told her many times before that I had planned on getting that exact same thing. I didn't want her to steal my idea.

As soon as I had told her I didn't want her to get it, I prayed. For some reason I felt guilty despite the fact I told her the truth of how I felt. A voice in my head, no doubt God, asked "What are your reasons for not allowing her to get the tattoo?"

Every answer that came was selfish.
"It was MY thing."
"I was supposed to get that. ME!"

I realized then, I had made the situation about myself instead of about the Lord, as it should have been.

Telling her she couldn't get that tattooed on her body was the equivalent of saying being a Daughter of God didn't apply to her, which it does. As it applies to everyone, even those who don't love Him back yet.

So I had to humble myself (Which would have been impossible if I hadn't prayed.) and I told her that she could get it. After I told her, I no longer felt guilty or rotten. I had no choice but to praise God and thank Him for the strength He gave me to do so.

I shared this, not because I wanted a pat on the back, but as a reminder that the right thing to do is rarely the easiest. It's SO HARD to humble yourself sometimes.


Humble yourself.
Let down the armor and the rants about how you're so strong and nothing hurts you. Allow God to help you out.

Humble yourself by realizing you can do nothing without Him.

Allow Him to shine rather than yourself.


We all struggle with pride. And even to admit you struggle is being humble in itself.


Don't just do good so that others can see you, do good so that through you, others can see Him.

You either live all for Him, or all for nothing.

It's your choice.



"Doing good is not to hope people see, but to be so enthralled with the Lord that you give Him all, and people just happen to notice."

Dear Future Husband

Have you ever seen the hash tags on Twitter?
#DearFutureHusband or #DearFutureWife?

I have, and I love stalking all the tweets because they're adorable and make my heart melt.

The thing is, some of us, including me, aren't in a relationship and have no idea who that may be.

Naturally, especially girls, we crave to be loved. We crave to be in a relationship and feel whole. The thing is, that allowing that to consume our thoughts may push us away from God.

Whenever I find myself feeling lonely, I pray for my husband. That sounds weird, says my husband. I'm 16, so obviously I'm no where near getting married.

But I know I want a Christ centered relationship. There's no way around it. If you don't know God, I'm sorry. No way in heck am I marrying you.

And the best way I can feel loved by someone I don't know, is to pray for them.

I know, you're probably asking how you can pray for someone if I don't know ANYTHING about him. But you can!

For my future husband, I'll usually pray for his safety for the day, and his safety if he's traveling. I pray about his relationship with Christ and for the strength to make it through any struggles he may be facing.

It's kinda lame, but that's what we're supposed to do! We're supposed to pray for each other. That's such an easy way to make sure it's a Christ centered relationship. Pray for each other.

Obviously I can't talk to my husband right now, because I don't know who he is. But I can talk to God about him, because He does know who my husband is. He's picked Him out for me.

Sometimes I find myself wondering if he does the same for me, too.

So here's my challenge for you. Instead of constantly thinking about guys when you feel lonely, when you should be constantly thinking about God, pray about your husband or wife!
What better way could you show them you love them other than that?